Revisiting.

I have been revisiting my youth. It started earlier this year when I decided to download all of my favorite Disney animated movies. It also started innocently, I just wanted to refresh my memory. As I watched one after another a sense of nostalgia started to envelope me. I started to remember watching them as a child, how I felt when I watched them. I was experiencing the same emotions the same exact way as I did when I was a child. This puzzled me. A lot of growing has happened between then and now and I thought for sure that I would experience these movies on a higher plane of consciousness. But still the core emotion was the same. Now I don't mean the core emotions of happy, sad, etcetera; it's something more. Its as if when I experienced those emotions for the first time they left a finger print, and these new experiences matched that same exact fingerprint. It was like I had spun a web as a child and then spun the exact same web again. In a way it was terrifying. These were feelings I haven't had in years, and it felt great. I felt little beams of life creeping through the branches of the trees that were drowning in my swamp of a heart. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but I really don't know how else to describe it. It made me wild and thirsty, and since I have been watching everything I can get my hands on that I watched when I was younger. As I view each show or film it's like I am finding myself and a boy that I lost a long time ago. I am crying as I think about it. I was realizing that I wasn't happy anymore, and I hadn't been for quite some time. I wasn't sure how I got there, I still am not. But I had the ghastly feeling it was self inflicted. I just have felt lost for so many, many years. I almost forgot the person I was, the person I am, truly. I have fought so hard, wars, to become a person I wanted to be, and in that fighting I lost my sun, my center from which all that I was to become was to be dependent on. I don't have the vocabulary to describe the hole, and how empty it was, that I became. Watching those films, it was more like watching memories, or home movies. They have now become my puzzle. As I watched each one, I saw how each one influenced me and each one was a piece of me. I knew I had these pieces but I had forgotten why they were pieces. The why is the most important part. But I was so obsessed with change and so obsessed with never being the things I didn't want to be and proving that I could overcome my various obstacles, but I lost in the end. I became a machine, which is exactly what I wanted to be, and what I needed to be at the time. But now I am tired of feeling the chill of metal and the grinding of gears. I just wanted to feel love again and for the longest time I was obsessed with it. I thought I loved myself and the love I was looking for was from a partner. But I was too scared to admit that I hated myself. I hated myself because I lost myself, and my light. I killed myself, and have been living as a zombie. I don't know why. Maybe it was for other people this whole time, and I just didn't realize. Or maybe all the choices were the right ones and I just needed to fall apart to put myself together again. The answers are in the film, the pieces. I feel it all reconnecting.